I'm Just the Writer

Originally posted to my personal blog on September 30, 2015.

In high school I wrote a short piece of fiction regarding writer's block.  The protagonist of the story, a writer, is taking a stroll through the world she has created, admiring the many elements and characters she is surrounded by, when she is stopped abruptly by the appearance of a brick wall. She tries desperately to get around the mass, attempting to walk around it, climb it, and even break it down by ramming into it with her shoulder.

I won't spoil how it ends--if you want to know, you can click this link and read it yourself.  The reason I am bringing this up is because at one point in the story I mention something about being the "God of this universe" and how I am in control of everything that happens.  While it is true, to a degree, there is a degree of falsehood as well, something that I only just learned yesterday.

I have been spending some time working on a story that I was really excited about.  I knew certain elements of the story--characters, setting, some of the events--but for some reason that I couldn't figure out, I had no idea what the actual plot was.  What was the purpose of the story?  Why were the characters acting the way they were or doing the things they were doing?  After weeks of hammering and poking and prodding I decided yesterday to give up on it, at least temporarily, and turn to another story.

The second story I chose to work on has a plot, as well as a basic outline for what I think will happen (when it comes to writing, nothing is set in stone until it is done).  I began rereading what I have already written of this story and as I did a switch was flipped and a light came on in my mind.  I knew what was wrong in the first story.  I knew why it wasn't working, why I was struggling.

You see, the whole premise for the story came about from a little "what if" that I had one day about two classic fiction characters.  I had imagined that one of them, the male character, had gotten his powers from the female character and that the two of them had fallen in love (basically).  The idea was intriguing, inspiring, to the point where I had to write it, to make it happen somehow.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I reached a point where the direction I was going with the story, what I had been trying to make the story do, was so far from that original idea that it didn't even exist anymore.  The male character hadn't fallen in love with that female character and who they were as people was completely off from what I had initially imagined.  I had over complicated the story, tried to put together puzzle pieces that didn't make sense and that weren't even supposed to be on the same board.  I tried to write what I wanted, not what happens in the story, and that was my biggest mistake.

When it comes to writing, yes, as the writer I have the power to do whatever I want.  I can decide whether someone will live or die in the story, whether the hero turns out to be the villain, or whether the monsters are all in your head.  I can write whatever I want.  But, if I want to be a good writer, if I want to actually create something worth reading, I have to listen to the story.  I have to step aside when what I want contradicts what actually has to happen.

What non-writers don't get is that when it comes to writing fiction the story isn't just something we make up on the fly.  It isn't some witty comeback that suddenly pops into our head when it is most convenient.  We don't create it all by ourselves and by our own merits alone.  It's more than us, more than just our own desires and experiences.  It's an entity all its own.  It exists, out in the universe, and it's waiting to be told.  Waiting for the right person to come and stay long enough to listen.  To tell the story contrary to what it actually is, is to lie.

I am not some omniscient being who knows all, sees all, controls all.  I am an observer watching the events unfold and recording them as they take place.  I am a detective, piecing together the parts of the story and pressing forward until the mystery is solved and the tale is complete.  I am a friend, listening to the characters as they reveal their secrets, their hopes, dreams, and their deepest regrets. 

I am not a god.  I'm just the writer.

A Decision Has Been Made

Over the past few months I have been going through some changes at work.  I have gone from a high paying position in the office to a lower paying position in the classroom.  Thanks to efforts from my new director, I was able to finish out the summer working full time hours.  However, starting today, I will be working 2 1/2 hours less each day, which means I will be getting a 25 hour cut for all future paychecks.

I knew this cut was coming and therefore I have been keeping my eyes open for jobs that could cover my now free mornings. I even began filling out applications for a couple of places, though I was hesitant about a couple of them.

Needless to say, I have been thinking a lot about what to do.  Should I find another job to fill my mornings or should I try for an evening job?  Should I see about changing my hours at my current job and taking on a job that I know would hire me that is only available in the afternoon?  Should I just look for something full time and leave the center entirely?  These are just a few of the questions running around in my mind the past few weeks.

Yesterday a thought came to me.  I could dedicate my now free mornings to writing rather than getting another job.

The minute the thought came to me I was bombarded by thoughts of doubt.  Seriously, you're going to spend time writing?  You know you have bills to pay, how are you going to work that out?  There is so much that could go wrong with this scenario, do you really want to risk it?  This is a HUGE decision! Are you sure you are able to make it correctly?

All day I wrestled with this idea, this thought that I could actually choose to take my writing more seriously (for real this time) and start out on my path towards my dream of becoming a published author.  I kept recalling a panel I went to a few years ago at a writer's conference.  The author who was speaking mentioned something about quitting their job to focus more on their writing.  Of course, said person was married and had another income to help support the two of them and their children, but it wasn't easy.  They still fell short sometimes.  But they did it.  They made it, and they are successful.

It is a scary thought--there's so much risk involved--and it's a bit overwhelming.  I tried to call my sister, tell her what I was thinking about and get a second opinion.  I really didn't want to make this decision on my own.

No answer.

I left a message explaining that I was wrestling with a decision, a BIG decision, and I wanted to talk to her about it.  Then I waited for her to call back.  That call didn't come.

Early in the evening I knew what I needed to do.  I went to my room, knelt down beside my bed, and I prayed.  I prayed as hard as I could to know what to do.  I expressed my concerns about finances, my fears that making this decision could lead to "catastrophic" consequences for me.  I thought that maybe I could try it out and if it didn't work I'd get another job.  The minute I had that thought however I quickly shut it down.  That kind of thinking is what has kept me from my writing all of these years.  That idea that, "Well, I can do something different if it doesn't work."  No.  I needed to decided right then and there if I was going to do it, and if I was I had to give it everything I have.

But there was still the issue of money.  How in the heck am I supposed to pay bills when I am struggling as it is, and a 25 hour pay cut is only going to hurt me more.

It was then that a clear image came into my mind.  A memory of something that had happened literally twenty four hours before this when God helped me in a small day with my money, and these words entered my mind, "You already know I can help you with that.  Don't worry."

I broke down and cried, not because I was sad or whatever, but because of the realization of how much my Heavenly Father loves me and that I didn't need to worry about money.  Everything will work out.

So, my dear readers, a decision has been made.  One that is personally life changing for me.  I will NOT be getting a second job.  I am going to use this time to focus on my writing career in the hopes that one day, sooner rather than later, I will finally reach that goal.

I am posting this here and onto my personal blog and I am asking that you all keep me in your thoughts.  And if I start to doubt, if you see that I am on the verge of backing out of this decision, don't let me change my mind.  Encourage me to keep pressing forward and to not give up.  This is a huge decision, a MAJOR decision, and I am going to need all of the love and support I can get.

Thank you all for the support you've given me thus far.  I really do appreciate it.  I look forward to this great adventure that I am embarking on.

Have an absolutely fabulous day!

Stephanie